042 – the first one to eat

so i went to a wedding on saturday and i noticed something interesting at the reception.  i was among the first few people to get there and as more and more people got there, the more awkward it got.  everyone was just standing around looking at piles of fried seafood and staring at mounds of fruit.  the potato bar lady was poised and ready…waiting for the first person to take the potential social plunge and grab that first ceramic plate off the stack.  eventually, though i don’t quite know how, the reception started.  i just looked up and there was a line.  this was a horrible experience for me.  so here’s what i propose:

i am available for hire.  i will, for a small fee, come to your wedding and break the ice.  no one will know who i am, so therefore i can safely and faithfully take the first plate of food that rich people call hors d’oeuvres.  no one gets embarrassed,  no one gets hurt.  i will keep the importance of this duty close to my heart and mind.  i’ll get the job done.  oh, i’ll be the first to dance too – but that of course will cost extra

~ by falloutofline on January 4, 2009.